• InnieMom

The Process

Updated: Oct 11, 2018



This time you’re not going to get your hopes up.


You’ve been through this so many times before, and you already know what to expect.  


You repeat the two words over and over and over again in your mind, so that when they appear on the screen it won’t hurt so much.  


Sometimes, you even say them out loud.


You’re rocking back and forth in a bathroom with your hands clasped together in prayer.


The screen is flashing, and for those few seconds you can’t help but allow yourself to hope…just a little.  


After all, haven’t there been signs? 


Every time you’ve snapped at your spouse, or cried a little too hard at one of those sappy commercials, you’ve allowed your mind to wander.


Possibility.  


It’s always the possibility in this moment that gets you.

The desperate hopeful rise before the fall…


The treatments come and go, and with every new month that passes you begin to wonder if you’re even meant to be a mother.  


If you even deserve it at all.  

You shamelessly bargain with God.


There are no words to describe the ache that you feel deep down in your gut.  

The archaic pain that rages through your center and cries out to God, pleading for a miracle…roaring at the unfairness of it all.


You glance from the corner of your eye at the tiny screen, unwilling to face the assault head on.  You recognize, once again, that there are two words, instead of just one.

 

Embarrassed, you sob and toss yet another pregnancy test into the trash.


Not pregnant.


Not pregnant.


Not pregnant. 


The despair you feel makes you unrecognizable to yourself.


The words echo all the way down to the core of you.


*******************************

I am a very positive person, and I’m always searching for the lesson in the struggle. However, it’s important for people to know that it isn’t always easy.  It isn’t always pretty.

My relationship with God has gotten me through so many things, especially our miscarriages and many disappointments over the last year; but sometimes the words, “God has a plan,” just aren’t enough anymore.


That’s OK.


As I’ve said many times, It’s OK to be angry with God.  He knew you were going to have those feelings even before you did.  He’s expecting them, and he’s going to love you through it.  No matter how much you doubt him, or how many times you scream out in anger… He’ll still be right there by your side, waiting to forgive you.


No matter how bad things may seem, never let go of hope.

Even if it’s all you have… it’s enough.