Our Almost Pregnancy
I never knew it was possible to be “a little bit pregnant.”
Dylan and I have been so busy the last few months. We're opening a new business at the beginning of the year. Our oldest just started at a new school. We've all been fighting illness. Things have been hectic for us.
We've talked on and off about having a third baby. We finally decided that we were happy and blessed with our two boys. We felt like we were done. The day after making that decision, I found out I was pregnant.
Our first reaction was shock, then fear. How would we make this work with the new business? Dylan had just put in his two weeks at his job. What came after all of those questions was complete and utter joy and excitement. God had decided for us, and we were so so happy with that decision. We would figure it out. We were going to be a family of 5!
The picture at the top was going to be our announcement. When we told our 4 year old, he decided he wanted to draw a picture of our family "with the new baby in mommy's tummy."
We had family pictures done, with me holding a little onesie that said "baby bear" up to my tummy. We were so so excited.
We haven't always had it easy when it comes to babies. We lost a baby before we conceived Parker, and then we lost twins before getting pregnant with Finn. We've been through the testing, the multiple ultrasounds, and the heartbreaking sting of loss. We know what's normal and what isn't for HCG and Progesterone. We know what an ultrasound is supposed to look like at 7 weeks.
Because of this, when I got my blood work back, we knew something wasn't right. My progesterone was really low. When we went to have the 7 week ultrasound, we knew that what we were seeing what not what we should be seeing. Our last hope was that we were off on the dates, and that my HCG level would double like it was supposed to. It didn't. It barely went up at all. We found out this morning.
I debated on telling anyone, but I'm doing what I always do when I'm in pain. I write. Nothing else makes sense, right now. So I'm doing what makes sense to me.
Although they’ve said our baby is no longer with us, because of the heightened HCG levels, I will still be experiencing all of the symptoms until I miscarry. This is without a doubt the most difficult thing right now. To know that my body is still preparing to be a mother, while I’m waiting to lose our baby. It's the cruelest and most devastating aspect of a miscarriage, in my experience.
I’ve always prayed for God’s will. I’m not a big believer in asking God for things. I just pray for His will to be done, and for us to have peace with it.
I have to tell you all, I am struggling with this. The other losses were difficult for their own reasons.
Riley was our first. Our first pregnancy, and our first loss. The excitement and experience of being pregnant with our first baby was stolen from us.
With the twins, well, they were twins. We'd seen a heartbeat at 8 weeks, and when we went for our 10 week we saw not one but two babies. However, we learned in that same moment that both of them no longer had beating hearts.
This one is difficult because I just don't understand. I know it's not my place to always understand. I know God knows better than I do. But we were so happy with our two boys. We had made the decision that we were done. We were starting our business and moving on to a new chapter in our lives.
Why give us a baby, only to take it away so quickly?
Why put us through all of this, all over again?
Forgive me, Jesus. But I am hurting, and I just don't understand.
I’m not angry with Him. He has always taken care of us. He's given us two beautiful boys when so many others, people I know and love, struggle to even conceive at all. My family is so blessed, so don't think for one moment I don't see and appreciate all we have been given.
I just... I don't understand.
Did I do something wrong?
Was it my diabetes?
Was it because I had that margarita before I knew I was pregnant?
Did I not start my vitamins early enough?
Should I have been on progesterone from the beginning?
I know many of you have experienced this pain. Some of you multiple times, as we have. The "what ifs" and the self-blame are unbearable. I know it is not my fault. I know that I had no way of knowing that early that I was pregnant. It doesn't stop me from being unreasonably angry with my body. Even though it brought my boys into this world. It couldn't carry this baby, or my other babies. They deserve to be here too. I feel as if I've failed them.
If you're going through, or have gone through this...I want you to know that you are not alone, and that it's OK to have it out with God if you need to.
He understands our pain. I can feel Him hurting with me, today. Even through my tears and my hurt and my pain and my questions, I can feel Him telling me He's sorry.
To trust Him. That He's got me.
He's got you too. He's got all of us.
Even if you don't yet know Him.
Even our babies, in this world... and in the next, as well.
I'm going to wait a week, and go in for a final ultrasound, just to confirm... if I don't miscarry before that time.
Forgive me if I'm not posting regularly.
Forgive me if I flake out on videos for awhile.
I am still here, I'm just processing all of this and trying my best to make sense of it.
Thank you all, for your support and kindness. The page has been a nice distraction through some of this. I just want to ask that you not go anywhere, and that you bear with me while I sort this season of my life out. I appreciate you all more than you know.
A close friend of mine just shared this with me. When she experienced her loss, a friend told her there was a "little soul just passing through" and it only needed "a few weeks to know it was loved" before moving on. This has really brought me some comfort this morning. I hope it brings someone else comfort, as well.
I love you all.